The  1st Affair
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>A married man was having an affair
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>With  his secretary.
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>One day they went to her place
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>And made love all afternoon.
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>Exhausted, they fell asleep
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>And woke up at 8  PM.
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>The man hurriedly dressed
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>And told his lover to take his shoes
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>Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
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>He put on his shoes and drove home.
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>'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
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>'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
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>'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
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>We had sex all afternoon.'
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>She looked down at his shoes and said:
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>'You lying bastard!
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>You've been playing golf!'
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>The 2nd Affair
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>A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
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>But always talked about having a son.
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>They decided to try one last time
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>For the son they always wanted.
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>The wife got pregnant
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>And  delivered a healthy baby boy.
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>The joyful father rushed to the nursery
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>To  see his new son.
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>He was horrified at the ugliest child
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>He had ever seen.
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>He told his wife:  'There's no way I can
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>Be the father of this baby.
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>Look  at the  two beautiful daughters I  fathered!
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>Have  you  been fooling around behind my back?'
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>The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:
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>'Not this time!'
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>The 3rd Affair
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>A mortician was working late one night.
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>He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
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>About  to be cremated,
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>And made a startling discovery.
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>Schwartz  had the largest private part
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>He had ever seen!
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>'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
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>Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
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>With such an impressive private part.
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>It must be saved for posterity.'
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>So, he removed it,
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>Stuffed it into his briefcase,
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>And took it home
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>'I  have something to show
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>You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
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>Opening his briefcase.
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>'My  God!' the wife exclaimed,
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>'Schwartz is dead!'
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>The  4th Affair
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>A  woman was in bed with her lover
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>When  she heard her husband
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>Opening  the front door.
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>'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
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>She  rubbed baby oil all over him,
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>Then  dusted him with talcum powder.
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>'Don't  move until I tell you,'
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>She said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
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>'What's  this?' the husband inquired
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>As he entered the room.
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>'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
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>'the Smiths bought one and I liked it
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>So I got one for us, too.'
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>No more was said,
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>Not even when they went to bed.
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>Around 2 AM the husband got up,
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>Went to the kitchen and returned
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>With a sandwich and a beer.
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>'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
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>I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
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>And nobody offered me a damned thing.'
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>The  5th Affair
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>A man walked into a cafe,
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>Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
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>'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
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>'One  Cent?' the man exclaimed.
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>He glanced at the menu and asked:
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>'How much for a nice juicy steak
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>And a bottle of wine?'
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>'A  nickel,' the barman  replied.
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>'A  nickel?' exclaimed the man.
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>'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
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>The  bartender replied:
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>'Upstairs, with my wife.'
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>The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
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>With your wife?'
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>The  bartender replied:
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>'The  same thing I'm doing
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>To his business down here.'
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>The  6th Affair
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>Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
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>He looked up and said weakly:
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>'I have something I must confess.'
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>'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
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>'No,' he insisted,
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>'I want to die in peace.
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>I slept with your sister, your best friend,
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>Her best friend, and your mother!'
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>'I know,' she replied,
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>'now just rest and let the poison work.'